When it comes to sleepless nights

The most challenging events in my life turned out to be the greatest treasures.

This episode had a volcano eruption effect disclosing one of the most hidden issues in my life.

No matter how I tried to resolve the issue:  the natural medicine, alternative methods: psychology and working with the mind, diet, sport, healthy life style, unhealthy life style, orthodox medicine – nothing worked.

It dragged me through hope – misery – anguish – despair  – hopelessness. And all the emotions in between.

Its occurrence started a chain of events which smashed the old system of beliefs and patters. It brought unforeseeable changes. And it left me feeling lost for years, not knowing who I am.

It takes courage for me to write about this event here even after walking the path of exposing my fears.

I shall hope that by sharing this story I can bring light to some psycho somatic processes and their connection to soul path.

It happened 7 years ago when my idyllic dreams suddenly collapsed.  I was a believer in miracles, including the unsustainable ones.   Falling in love with a man, who was leaving the country for good  was one of them. Life, however, showed me that was not to be the case. My hope started to melt away giving a great degree of pain and despair.

But the true was already knocking on my door, bringing severe insomnia. I stopped sleeping. Not even an hour at night.

We happened to live in the same house. So I hoped that by moving to my friend’s place the issue would resolve. I moved out – sleep didn’t come. I was determined to solve the issue which multiplied the stress after the breakup.

I started to take expensive herbal medicine. No change. I started running in the parks, exhausting myself with exercises. I stopped drinking coffee, excluded sugar, changed my diet to a lighter one. I embarked on courses with psychological exercises which aimed to calm and balance the mind. Two, three, five weeks passed – no result.

The nights became a nightmare for me. I was restless. Angry. Desperate. Hysterical. My eyesight was deteriorating rapidly. The fog and clouded mind came into my life as a permanent residents. It became impossible to work without enormous amounts of mistakes: I could not focus. The situation was aggravated by my underlying emotional state after the break up. I used toilets at work suspiciously too often – I could give a way to my hysterics there.  I was crying silently for most of my working hours.

Only after not sleeping a single hour for several nights in a row, I was able to finally fall asleep for 2 -3 hours before my alarm went off.

No change was seen on the horizon.

I gave up and started to use chemical pills from insomnia. They created an addiction and stopped working after several nights!

Now I started drinking a lot of coffee and using a lot of sugar – I couldn’t work without it anymore. And I used pills at night, which mostly didn’t work.

I was afraid to talk to friends about it. I felt ashamed of being not well and being unable to solve it. I responded casually that I didn’t sleep well in general.

I begged almost every night for at least an hour of sleep! And when I was granted an hour or two – I felt blessed.

I hoped that at some point my body and mind would simply become exhausted and sleep would follow. Oh, I was wrong… This type of exhaustion that would put me to sleep just didn’t come.  Actually it never came.

Months passed by…I was getting used to insomnia. I was learning its rules. I was adapting: my life became simple and quiet  – no entertainment. I lost interested in the events – my nervous system couldn’t cope with them. No after work activities (only nature and peace).  I became attentive to my body. I thanked it every day for being able to function.  I was becoming flexible with people and situations, avoiding sharp corners. I started appreciating laughter and even more so, connection to nature. Not a day did I spend without me being outside in a quiet park by the river.

During my sleepless nights I learned my nature: it was of a warrior. I didn’t just wait for something to happen – I made it happen. I took a decision, I made the changes. I never put up with the situation. I am a “doer” personality. And so I was in my insomnia. I was fighting it. Night by night…  Until one night. After several months of almost not sleeping the nature of the sleep appeared.  The more I accepted, surrendered to not sleeping, the less panic of consequences I had.  I realised it was ok to not to sleep.  I don’t need to invent a new solution. I had to be ok with being not focused the next day, with being tired again, with making awful reports, with being moody and crying. The more I accepted my state, the less I needed to move in bed and less noise I had in my head.

Only after realising and admitting that I was completely unable to help myself with sleeping I was able to move to the next stage of insomnia. It was not severe anymore. I threw away pills and never used them again. I was hardly sleeping even several hours a night, but very gradually sleep was becoming deeper and longer.

Several months would pass marking the year’s anniversary of the insomnia. I knew my body and mind better. I was more flexible with life even creative! Imagine all sorts of activities one can do at night: singing, writing, going for a walk, laughing. I could sleep now almost every night.

Little did I know at that time that in a little more than a year the crises will reappear. The break up of the next relationship would shatter my life. It will become a final call to change myself and my relationship with the world.

And once again the insomnia would return with severe panic attacks at night.

The fear of not being loved for me was equal to a fear of dying. It was coming to the surface at nights.  That time it was destined to change my life forever. My search for an answers from the external world would make me turn within where all true answers are found.

P.S.  I don’t seek advices and diagnoses about insomnia. Thank you for understanding.


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