Exploring betrayal…

Exploring betrayal. New moon in scorpio.

I am facing the situation again when I feel the pain from betrayal. I recently arranged a place to teach my classes, but a week before the manager cancelled it. My energy including financial resources were involved, but the most profound was to face this feeling of betrayal.

The situation was of course was not so very personal, its a business matter and of course it is still easier to deal perhaps when its not your personal life involved. Although the wound is the same, just different degree.

I felt my body in tremor from the news. I needed to share this and went straight to my friend, I felt I had to tell her how awful others are and how bad I feel now and so I did. Victim attitude wasn’t recognised.

I felt my energy level dropped, but I noticed it only after a couple of hours. Every time my classes came to mind I felt subtle pain and was very reluctant to go inside the feeling.  My enthusiasm dropped and a feeling of betrayal came very vividly now to me.

I felt anger to these who didn’t keep their promise, I felt pain, mistrust and doubts about myself. This all is passing in front of my mind and I am in a process of exploring betrayal.

There is familiar fear of feeling pain from betrayal, preventing me to go deeper in it. I did my homework though at least on mind level, but now I see how actually its not the situation and its consequences scare me, but the opportunity to feel this pain! The situation itself is not scary, I can deal with it and dealt many times with more serious stuff.

The cases when people didn’t keep the promise or else behave in a way that caused my betrayal trauma to reappear came to my mind. I saw these cases now and understood that it was not the situation which cause my emotional suffering, but these people’s behaviour, more precisely my belief in their complete ignorance and indifference of my feelings.

Was it really betrayal or not, were they really ignorant about my suffering or not, I don’t know. Moreover, even if I know it is not going to change much. It is their life and their path and their human right to make mistakes as I am here to make mine and to learn from them.

My transformation is to face my wounds and being present with them. To let others be whatever they like to be, but state clearly my boundaries and still keep my heart open for them.  …I am in the process…

 

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